An Ode to The Washington Football Team
Updated: Jul 26, 2020
After immense pressure from corporate sponsors, league leadership and some (there were at least a few) fans - the Washington Redskins are no more. Gone is the, admittedly, non-PC name and in is one of the most thrilling franchise names in the history of sports! The professional football team that plays in Washington DC will be known as… The Washington Football Team. Thats right - thats the name. Unfortunately this riveting new name from the franchise is only temporary, with a new name coming in the near future.
Not one to miss on a solid cash grab, team owner Dan Snyder will sell NFL-licensed ‘Washington Football Team’ (lol) merchandise sometime later this week. I’m sure I don’t speak for everyone, but personally I plan on being the Washington Football Team’s biggest fan. Spending most of my childhood waiting for my mom to finish partying outside an Arizona sports bar, I’d never been a fan of sports. After all, my father was an athlete and he never treated me no good. Matter of fact he met his second wife after an Arena Football League tryout and I never saw him again. Anyways - point of the story is this is the most un-football like team one could imagine, and I’m here for it.
There's another reason I am all in on this team, and that is because at the end of the season when they cease to exist as ‘The Washington Football Team’, I’ll know that feeling sports fans have when their favorite franchise gives them a giant middle finger and bounces town. Back in 04’ I was crashing north of the border at my buddy Lando’s crib in Montreal. It was only a two week stay as a friend had invited me to a music festival the weekend of September 29th. That day, the Montreal Expos said they were leaving town - headed to Washington DC. My friend Lando was the biggest Expos fan and was so crushed. After the concert that night, Lando got so drunk he needed a cab home. In the cab, he cried than proceeded to throw up. I thought to myself how could this all be over a sports team. Now I only have to commit myself to a sports franchise for one year to experience that same pain, and with any luck find myself throwing up in a taxi.
The last reason I am committing myself to this franchise is simple, FedEx. If you aren’t aware, FedEx is the team’s largest sponsor and is the ultimate reason the team changed their name. Without FedEx, there would be no Washington Football Team. The company pressured the team so hard that after decades they finally picked a new (and totally awesome) name. Can you name a more boss move than this shit FedEx just pulled?! These sneaky delivery elves and their dirty tricks! They have been hiding arrows in plain site for years and now they change an the entire history of the National Football Field - I am not going to go against a company with this kind of power. Not only am I a Washington Football Team super fan, but I am now an exclusive customer of FedEx. Do not come at me with that UPS, Postal Service bullshit. My house is a Washington Football Team house and our new jerseys just got delivered… BY FEDEX.
So ya… go Washington Football Team! This team name is dope and it will be EPIC tragic when the team switches to some bland characterless name other than the current name the team now has. That being said, I am looking forward to the day the name changes. When the day comes, I will once again write an ode to my beloved Washington Football Team, but this time it will be filled with typos and profanities as I finish the last drops of a cold MD 20/20 (classiest drink on the market). Cheers to the upcoming football season and the Washington Football Team! Go team!